Written by Otaku Apologist
Before I share my experiences and thoughts about the topic of social anxiety, I want to first establish the most important aspect of the conversation: Mental health matters have a snowflake dimension. Every person is unique in a myriad of ways that can nullify any proposed solutions to their problems. Few ideas in this realm are universally applicable.
That all said, you either suffer from too few experiences or too many. If you simply lack social experience, you’re dealing with fear of the unknown. And why shouldn’t you be afraid? People are fucking nuts. One poorly chosen word can cause the other person to permanently change their opinion of you. Shit you’ve said awry can be recorded to cause damage to your reputation a decade later.
You should orient yourself to take the smallest steps that trigger the strongest feelings. And feel good about yourself for doing them, even if you just peeked out the door. Overcoming your shit in increments builds confidence. Taking big leaps and failing big usually does the opposite.
If you were an extraverted person who can take big risks and laugh off humiliating situations, you wouldn’t have anxiety. Don’t try to be someone you’re not. Move gradually, systematically, so your anxieties don’t grow even larger.
If you have an abundance of negative experiences, like you’ve been bullied, outright rejected, ostracized, humiliated, that’s going to require some unpacking in understanding company that you can trust. When attempting such connections, set realistic expectations. People by and large live such limited lives, their ability to understand complexity will be limited. Even professionals who regularly deal with human complexity can be unable to relate to your situation. But despite the unsatisfying insufficiency of these interactions, seeking people to talk to is a step without alternatives.
If you’re ugly or fat, you’re fucked. If you’re autistic and can’t read social cues, you’re fucked. Struggling with your dysfunction can make you a strong, inspirational character over time, but probably not. Some fuckers die alone.
If your situation is truly fucked, then level with yourself. Seek some inner peace. Stop feeling bitter about circumstances you’ve no control over, and you might have a shot at turning things around. Focus on what you can control.
Sometimes there’s no way out. Oftentimes there’s at least something that can be done, but it’s another matter entirely whether the person can summon that strength for it. Maybe there’s nothing there, no spark, just dark.
I’ve known several people who attempted suicide or successfully ended it. I was a teenager when one girl from my school hanged herself in the woods. She had an abusive psychopath for a mother. She endured the bitch for years, then her hope was snuffed out. Her father was paralyzed in a car crash and she couldn’t be transferred into his custody. She got drunk, said goodbye to her sisters and went swinging.
Social anxiety is often linked with depression. Because when you can’t connect socially, your brain intuitively calculates your life’s trajectory to be bad. Depression is lack of positive future expectations. If you’ve had your ass beat many times, you will expect to have it beat again. This seemingly sensible conclusion is a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you’ve learned to think this way, you are wrong.
You have been on the wrong end of natural variance, and your luck is about to turn. Life is chaos, like throwing dice at the wall and having those fuckers ricochet in your forehead. It’s nothing personal, stop making it personal.
Don’t delude yourself into thinking that some coming day, the struggle just ends, because it doesn’t. The battle for survival is life, literally. The rewards come to those who stay in the game.
When it comes to relationships, you’re going to lose them. Stop worrying that this might happen – it will. You’re going to lose everyone in due time, because we’re all mortal. Unless you keep acquiring new relations throughout life, you will be alone one day.
Parents and grandparents, shit happens to them. Pets and spouses shrug off their leashes and go running. People leave and people die. Your friends will start families, get divorced, they might move to different cities, different countries, their tastes and opinions will change and now they hate you.
The change is constant, so embrace it. You don’t have control. All you can have is clarity. Clarity of thought and clarity of conscience. It’s important to be authentic, regardless what a messed up human being you may be. In exchange for everything else you will lose in trade, you acquire clarity.
You can’t have clarity without embracing who you truly are, which is a motherfucker. Deep, deep, deep down, we’re all motherfuckers, disgusting and dumb. And that’s how you start connecting with others. We’ve reached the epiphany. You accept the piece of shit that you are, and stop judging everyone else for being shit. See yourself in the bullies, see yourself in your parents! You’re no better!
If your anxieties still creep up on you after getting your thoughts straight, talk to a mirror, make rules for yourself, set goals, punch yourself in the jaw, whatever works. Find whatever makes you move and do that. Most people just get drunk or high. If you can socialize in any capacity without narcotics, you’re a king.
Once you’re actually chatting with people, you’ll quickly get in the zone and have fun. Usually that’s how it goes, but maybe you’re special. Maybe you’re one in a million. Try not to make that into some weird badge of honor, please. Just figure out your little rituals, that get you in the right mindset, and open up to people. They will hurt you, but you’ll survive.
Being authentic and unafraid is the best feeling in the world. You’ll have more social successes, but also rack up failures – that’s part of the system. You’ll absolutely get your ass kicked for being too honest in the wrong company, but you’ll also make genuine connections. You will acquire both, good experiences and bad experiences.
