The surefire path to a decaying social network is to be overtly polite. Because politeness goes too far too easily, you end up not saying what needs to be said. And the time will come when you’ll resent them, because they’re doing things that rub you the wrong way. Because you’re letting them.
The other extreme also doesn’t work. If you’re brazenly honest all the time with the full spectrum of your raging emotions and thoughts, you’ll alienate everyone with your overblown self-expression.
This blog entry will attempt to help you think multiple sides of the issue.
Imagine a big argument. You say everything, everything you ever wanted to say, all the hurtful truths your friends or family have been dodging around forever, all the shit they don’t want to hear. The room empties, save for a few faces. Are the few left your true friends? More than likely yes, but that’s a very small number of people. That’s not ideal. Cultivating your inner circle of friends shouldn’t be your only goal.
The path to a large social network is finding the smart middle-ground between honesty and politeness. This comes to play when timing is needed. Something is proper or improper to say depending on the time.
Two examples of timing.
Imagine your father died. You’re at his funeral. Everyone is grieving, wearing black, while you’re there smoking a joint, cracking jokes. You’re out of place, out of touch, even if you’re bringing “good vibes”.
Imagine you’re at a party. You’re sitting in a corner, face hidden under a hoodie, playing a mobile game, making no eye contact with anyone. At a funeral, this would be antisocial, but less out of place.
Depending on context, people’s emotional needs may override their desire for honest discourse.
And with crazies rocking contradictory standards due to latent narcissism disabling introspection, their emotional needs are in a constant flux, thus you never know what to tell them…
Both politeness and honesty are skills that need finesse. You’re never going to learn the fine lines of how to do them properly, if you never take risks. This is why I believe that you should gravitate more towards honesty, because only honest ones take enough risks to eventually learn finesse. That’s my logic anyway.
This gaming anecdote should help you understand what I aim at. Ever watched Destiny’s stream?
Years ago, I was watching the Twitch streamer Destiny. He was getting coached by a League of Legends professional on how to play. His coach said something unforgettable. I paraphrase, “You have to play aggressive, or you’ll never learn how far you can take things”.
You can picture the problem, don’t you? If you wish to learn how to have honest relationships, you have to be willing to take things far. You have to be willing to burn bridges to learn limits.
I hate politeness, I really do. It makes everything more complicated than it needs to be. The diplomacy just becomes a fucking headache in the long run, until you’re a depressed mess that just wants to scream. If you’ve never felt forced to abandon your friends for being two-faced shits, you won’t understand.
Perhaps I’m the worst person to preach this. Despite having more friends and business connections than most ever will, I regret eternally the many connections lost in the learning process. I say this, because if you take and apply what I say without thinking critically of every word, you will have haunting regrets.
So, how to be honest? Easy. You say what you really think and feel from the bottom of your heart without even trying to navigate the perceptions of the receiver. All the obnoxious complexity, all the damned red limits, thrown into the winds. What a relief it is for a moment, until you need them again.
In contrast, polite people learn to navigate relationships softly. You learn where people’s pain points are and how to gracefully dodge them in your conversations. Gradually, softly, you can deepen that connection and talk deeper topics. However, polite fucks often get trapped into relationships they hate, and those relationships drain them, because of the requirement of a social mask to maintain them.
I am friends with socially adept people, and friends with antisocial wankers. I was friends with several pickup artists even. It truly is amazing how smooth some people can be with others, and the surprising struggles they have. Because believe it or not, social adeptness also backfires. People who are good with others surprisingly often end up building shitty social networks, because they can juggle much more complicated assholes than anyone else. It’s like nobody wins in this life, know what I’m saying?
So, I suppose, you have to alternate. To be truly socially successful, develop meticulous situational awareness and alternate between approaches depending on person and their context, until everyone calls you fake and gay. I honestly have no clue what the rule should be. I guess, you want to sometimes act like a total dickwad, to alienate the more complicated crazies, just to clean up your network?
None of this is easy. With a very small number of compatible people, things are easy. You don’t even have to learn social skills with fuckers you’re highly compatible with. The requirement for skill rises as you deal with people who vastly differ from you. And that’s the fuckers you want to practice socializing with!
This topic could go on forever. I’ll just finish here. Have fun burning bridges, don’t worry about it.
